Children, Our Favorite Parasitic Loads


I recently learned the term “parasitic load” from my wife.  We took her RV (it’s more hers than mine), which happened to have a non-functioning alternator.  This meant the battery would not charge by running the car as it normally does.  Thus, all the little RV gizmos and lights and other devices have a parasitic load on the battery, slowly leeching energy, draining life just by existing.

You know, like children.  Haha, just kidding.  Sort of.

So this happened in the ER the other day:

14 year old daughter of patient:  “Can I have some water?”

Me:  “Sure.  Right outside your room, right here (pointing) is a water fountain.  Cups and lids are-”

14 y/o: “What?  You want me to get it myself?  Psh, lazy,” she said to the doctor.

Ah the warm I feel working with brilliant teens.  I know this example should not piss me off as much as it did, but I really wanted to slap the iphone out of her hand and totally ruin her game of candy crush.

Freakin’ parasites.  The little ones can be parasites as well, cramming everything they can find into the closest available orafice.  Beads, magnets,crayons, sure, lets ram it in there as fast as possible.  Also, they won’t let you know if/when they do this.

Mom: “Honey, how long has fluorescent pink been draining from your nose,”

4 y/o: “Five days, why?”

Though I think back to when I was a kid…

My two brothers and I were in the basement.  My sister, the oldest, was “babysitting” which entailed talking to her friends on the phone for 6 hours upstairs while the three brothers created new and innovative ways to kill each other.

This evenings idiocy entailed using old ski poles to practice fencing.  This is where I learned the the human eye is actually much tougher than most people realize.  I also realized that repressing memories work much better than getting strapped to a heating vent (never happened).

I also remember playing a game with my eldest brother.  We had large, wooden paddle-ball paddles.  My oldest brother also had very sharp “ninja” stars.  The game was to throw these as high as possible into the air and then catch the stars (now coming back to earth at the speed of sound), on the paddle so it would stick.  You see?  All children are draining parasites, draining money and sanity from parents.


Parents also demonstrate bad ideas as well.  In the ER this usually manifests in what they allow their kids to do.

I have seen countless kids walking around barefoot on the ER floors.  This grosses me out.  Every single bodily fluid has been on that floor.  Please stop your child from crawling on it.  Oh, and for the love of all things disgusting, if you drop a pacifier on the ER floor, just throw that thing away, or at minimum wash it in the sink.  This is not the place to shove it in your mouth to “clean off the germs.”  There is no 5 second rule on the ER floor, only the MRSA rule, so stop it.

I took care of a five year old with a cough and runny nose.  What caught my eye was the tiny baby (I later learned 5 months old), who had an orange face from continuously shoving Cheetos into his mouth.  Five months.  For those of you without children, five month old children should not eat Cheetos.  Only Doritos, get it straight.

I also examined a two year old who hurt his head.  This happens all the time.  However, it usually does not happen when on a snowmobile which had a 8 year old and a 14 year old on it as well.  The two year old cracked his helmet.  I wanted to roll up a newspaper and hit dad on the nose.  Bad daddy.  Baaaaaad daddy!

Oh well, I’d like to tell you more, but my brother and I have a date playing StarBall, have a great day.  OW!


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