Police forces have apprehended two dudes after a nationwide coordination of forces. These two men are allegedly responsible for over 300,000 physical assaults as well as 22,000 gunshot victims in the year of 2012 alone.
Police were stunned that what ER’s have been reporting for years has been true all along. “Two dudes” turned out to simply be two young men with anger issues.
“At first we thought ‘Two Dudes’ to be an international crime syndicate with the same name. We never thought it possible that two individuals could have the ability to rampage at this level,” police chief Quimby told local reporters.
Emergency Rooms nationwide have reported the number of assault victims has plummeted to a near standstill. Elated ER physicians have rejoiced with the precipitous drop in penetrating trauma. The drop has shocked many, to the point that some surgeons are questioning their occupation.
“I really don’t know what to do,” reported local Detroit trauma surgeons. “I guess I can go back to doing appys for now, since I have not seen a single GSW in three weeks.”
However, despite thousands of circumstantial testimonies, lawyers for the two dudes seem optimistic.
“No one has been able to describe my clients. Ever. They ‘claim’ my clients did such crimes, but just because no penetrating trauma has been seen in three weeks proves nothing. Without a single person being able to describe them, the prosecution has no case,” lawyer Douchemonger stated.
“We can only have faith in the system,” chief Quimby responded.
ER’s nationwide have been stocking up on supplies, since two dudes are likely to be cleared without definitive evidence in the next few days.
*Please follow me on Facebook.
**Also go check out Gomberblog, they were nice enough to add this story to their blog as well (modified), their site is essentially theonion of medicine