Calmly Remove the Toxins, OR DIE!!!!


As you probably know, I have the body of a Greek god, unfortunately, that Greek god is currently the Adephagia (look it up, I can wait).  So today I woke up very sore.  I had a little cough, so I was figuring that it might be a cold.  However, that did not account for the body ache.  Then I remembered.  I played some hard core Ping-pong a few days ago.  Hmm.  So yeah, I’m ridiculously sore and in pain after Ping-pong.  PINGPONG!  Sad.

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But maybe it is not the ping-pong, maybe it is just the toxins.  You know what this entry needs, a good old-fashioned zippy rant to get your brain pumping.  So gird your friggin’ loins cause I’m diving in (into the rant, not your loins), cause that is something that regularly makes me want to gouge out my eyes with golf pencil, the terrifying “toxins.”

<begin rant>

I just saw the movie Frozen, but before going in the theater I self-inserted a Foley catheter for two reasons, firstly, I didn’t want to leave the movie to pee and secondly, I saw the movie with my daughter so I could not leave her in the theater alone.  Thus, I watched in comfort assuming the Foley bag could not fill to capacity even though this could happen considering I ordered the medium (703 oz size) drink.  I can hear you grumble about a doctor and cleanliness and infection and blah blah blah.  You should know that pee is sterile and you can drink it and if you apparently should according to this psycho (Click here) because despite the fact that the kidney filters toxins and waste products somehow urine amazingly makes you better and has magical healing properties.  I mean, if you can’t trust crazy people telling you to guzzle your own pee, who can you trust?  I’ve seen the slime you slug down day after day.  All of your “Energy Drinks” and “Vitamin Water” and “Coffee” are just water with caffeine and a multivitamins and, of course, toxins.

What’s the deal with “toxins?”  Seriously.  I learned to fear toxins a year ago after I went on a cruise and during the tour of the ship we visited the spa and the masseuse lectures us about toxins and accumulating toxins and how we need to get out toxins.  What toxins?  How did I get these toxins?  As it turns out, toxins are everywhere and everybody has them and you are about one puff of secondhand smoke from death.  Sore neck?  Toxins.  Do you ever get headaches?  Toxins.  Have you ever had diarrhea, or known someone who has?  Toxins.  It had nothing to do with the fact that you ate the extra greasy nacho supreme.  Nope.  Toxins.  If only I could market something that was easy to get so that I could fool people to getting rid of toxins.  Maybe you could put something on your feet that could suck out toxins?  Nah, that’d be idiotic, no one could get ridiculously rich off of something that insane, right?

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But where to look for the solution?  Well, the Kinoki Foot Pad detoxification system apparently got shut down, so I need something equally insane to trick, I mean, heal the public with.

Kiwi!  There’s the answer.  That’s right.  Eat a kiwi to get rid of your toxins!  Insomnia?  Only a kiwi can cure it!  Do you ever wake up tired?  Nothing a heaping helping of kiwi can cure.  Have you ever gotten sore after Ping-pong?  Well, that is not from being overly active, that’s from a chronic deficiency of kiwi!   Aah.  That’s a good rant.  Now I feel better.

Ok.  Maybe not kiwi.

Alright.

You’ve been very good.

Now for a video that you can watch with your child.

It’s about a kiwi.

It might make you cry out some toxins.

 

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