Sorry for the Convenience


No matter how stupid, how drunk, or how giant of a jerk you are, I will help you.  I care for every self-serving, egotistical douche-canoe jerk that manages to injure themselves regardless of how it happens or how they act.  The ER is the ultimate convenience for jerks getting hurt by being idiots.  The VAST majority of patients are cool, but every once in a while…



* * * This is Paramedic741, stabbing victim coming in, be there in less than 2 minutes * * * *



Sorry to interrupt you sir, but you are in the Emergency Room right now. Yes I do realize that it is a VERY important cell phone call that you are having right now. I am sure that your cousins ex-girlfriend wants to know what the inside of the ambulance looks like, and also that some idiot doctor really is pestering you right now.

I apologize for my irrational behavior, but how many times you were stabbed? Oh, it was five times? Okay, thank you. Please continue with your important call, I will patiently wait while you bleed all over the floor. I am sure discussing bars and your amazing alcohol tolerance is infinitely more important than finding out which organs are bleeding. You’re right, I am being a prick for interrupting you.

Yipes! Yes, you are right. It is completely Fu*#(@&* malpractice for us to try to put an IV in you. We would not want to accidentally give you some IV fluid and life-saving medication. Please continue to test message all of your friends instead of answering any of our questions. Hah, you just keep yanking your arm away from the nurse don’t you?  You rascal!  I understand, you have a very busy life, and at 3:50 am many people want to be woken up so they can get that important information of how cool your tattoo looks with a single drop of blood on it.  However, some of the organs normally inside of your body happen to be peeking out so can I please examine you?

Interesting perspective. Though I don’t agree that the nurse is a F*$@ing B*#%, thank you for screaming it at the top of your lungs.  She did warn you four times she was restarting that IV after you yanked the first one out. I’m sure the family with the sick children next door appreciate your word choice. These new people are from the surgery team, they have to evaluate you as well. No, I’m sure they won’t interrupt your busy schedule of swearing, peeing on the floor, bleeding, and texting.

Sir! SIR! Please refrain from taking a swing at our staff. Though you were nowhere close to hitting them, we refrain from punching people in here. Thank you.  Yes, I’m sure you could kick everyone’s ass in the entire room at the same time, as you have already proven by coming in here after your last fight, by which I mean after you fell on a fence where you punctured your chest wall and abdomen.

No, leaving the ER right now to go outside and have a cigarette is a bad idea. Yes, actually I do know your rights.  Yes, I understand you’re memorizing all of our names so you can sue us, it’s just that sometimes, when people get impaled, internal damage occurs. I know, I am a stuck up F*#@-face with stupid requests. Again, sorry for the inconvenience.  I must run a few tests though. Yes, I understand that you know your body and you are absolutely sure nothing is wrong, you have told me no less than 28 times.

Oh, guess what. Somehow, despite your extensive medical training of watching Doc McStuffins for 15 minutes, you were actually wrong. It turns out that you actually do have serious medical problems after being stabbed multiple times. What’s that? Ah, I see, I just ran all of those test since I am greedy. Even though you informed me several times that you are not going to pay for any of this $h*#, and I am sure you won’t, that is my main reason for the tests. By some weird coincidence we managed to keep you alive and find serious problems.

You are going to have to be admitted to the hospital overnight. Yes, we are all F****ing A&&wads. It is unreasonable for us to admit you to the hospital and not let you smoke while you are on oxygen and not let you go back to the bars with your intestines dragging behind you. No, we don’t let you drink vodka in the hospital.

We’re kind of jerks that way, but we’ll keep saving your life, regardless of how badly you act.

Sorry for the convenience. <— (click for some Mitch Hedburg goodness)

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