Something-ist


It is always bad if you are something-ist.  Things that end -ist makes you a somewhat bad person, at least a jerk and at worst someone who needs to be ostracized to your very own island.  I’m sure I’m not racist; Many of my friends are of varying ethnicity including my wife (who is half black, half white, half Asian, half Indian, half Hispanic, half penguin and all woman.  Her name is Pangea).

I don’t think I’m fascist, though I don’t really know what that means, wait here a second while I go look it up.  Fascist, per dictionary.com, is advocating, or practicing fascism.  Well, that clears that up.  I’m certainly not that.

I don’t think that I am a sadist or masochist, though my Norco seeking clientele may disagree.

For a while I was sure I was a fattist, looking down on my chunky brethren.  But I don’t think I am a true fattist, because if you are 700 pounder that is employed and working hard, I don’t have a problem with you.  With numerous women having terrible self-imposed ugliness over their perfectly fine bodies, I hate to even post any negativity about anyone being fat.  I think Family Circus said it best:

Family Circus Redemption Project #27Creative Commons License Adam S via Compfight

Wait, that’s the exact opposite of what I was trying to say.  I don’t remember Billy being such a jerk, that’s downright terrible.

I think it is when you are 700 pounds and all you do is eat and complain about how bad you have it and how it’s everyone else’s fault.  I’m laz-ist.  Granted if you weigh 700 pounds, you most likely have a chronic case of the lazy’s as well.  Just remember HONDA’s (Hypertensive, Overweight, Non-compliant, Diabetic, Ass who is lazy).

I try not to do this, but at times staying unjaded can be difficult.  I always treat my gravitationally gifted patients with the utmost respect and dignity, however, my dirty dirty flaws sometimes get the better of me, especially when your circumference greatly outdistances your height.

I recently had a patient that waddled well over 450+ pounds.  450 was as high as the scale went, which was not high enough, since she toppled that easily.  She was pregnant (I didn’t ask how).  I had to check her cervix which is a mysterious nether-region hiding deep in the cavernous layer of her girly bits.  Describing the procedure in its entirety would not do the experience or the smell justice.

For disfiguring illness or genetic diseases, I have the utmost sympathy.  But, if you weigh more than 400 pounds you do have something to do with the fact you are overweight.  Sometimes people are responsible for their appearance.

America in general doesn’t help this problem.  I mean, with McDonalds on every corner and 90% of all food being deep fried, it’s amazing any of us make it to 50 without having heart attacks.

Lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl shinichi / 真一 … just call me Shin! via Compfight

Also, the American approach to accountability also plays a roll.  If I’m fat, well it’s someone else’s fault and I have disease of being overweight.  I want a pill for this!  Fix it with medication!  Hurry up, I’m hungry!  Well, thank goodness that I have found the cure for all of this.  I have found a set of the population that not a single one is overweight.  All of them, and I’m talking roughly 99.9% of this subset are thin as a supermodel without even trying because they all use the same miracle cure for weight loss.  What is their secret?  Well, I know, being a doctor, I should not give away trade secrets, and my fellow physicians may get frustrated with me for giving away what has been kept under wraps all this time, but the secret ingredient to long term weight loss is this… crack cocaine and meth!

That’s right, it’s just that simple.  I’m yet to see someone who is a combo crack/meth addict be fat.  They shed pounds without even trying!  Seriously, it’s incredible, I don’t think they diet or exercise ever, but they are all thin as rails.

So, as soon as my patient has her baby, I’ll put her on a high crack diet and help her with her obesity disease, hey, I’m a healer, it’s what I do  Man enough typing, I need a Twix.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *