A few things overheard in the ER… oh, and a dictation for you to read at the end
PA: Aricept may be a Alzheimer’s drug, but it sounds like someone mixing it on a turn-table
Pa: Arr-arr arr- arr- arrrrricept!
Rob: Or a rapping pirate?
Rob: That patient is not vomiting, he’s just screaming into a bucket. He’s scromiting.
Nurse: What? Sure, I poked her, but it was done with love
PA: Poking is always done with love
Nurse: I love lollipops. When I’m eating one, I am committed. If someone gave me a fentanyl lollipop, they better give me some narcan with it because I’m finishing it.
Nurse: Does your wife know that you lit yourself on fire yet?
Patient: (sigh) No, not just yet.
Patient: Nah, you don’t need to check my vitals, this isn’t an emergency…
Me to scribe: Was it good for you?
Scribe: It WAS good for me, how about you?
Me: Well, now it just feels a little awkward.
Rob to pharmacist: I have a patient covered in bed bugs, bed bug bites, and feces
Pharm to student: Hey, I have a patient who needs a hug
Rob: Zofran is the bacon of drug.
Nurse: I’m sorry, but that guys brain is a bag a cats
PA: Sorry, but this is just the hall of idiots. They were all here yesterday.
This is Dr. Slicy dictating…
Chief complaint: Fall
History of Present Illness:
This is an elderly white male who per EMS had fallen earlier this evening. This apparently happened just outside of the “King’s Bar.” Witnesses on scene stated he had complained of severe pain after “a great fall” though has difficulty siting exactly where his pain is, stating “it hurts everywhere.” Of note, the patient is extremely morbidly obese. He had been balancing on a tall wall for unknown reasons. He then fell and collided with the ground.
He has poor recollection of events, however witnesses stated that several men came out of the bar and attempted to get him back together, though they were unsuccessful. The witnesses also mentioned that the men from the bar also had some equine assistance in this manner as well, though I am suspicious for intoxication vs. poor recollection pertaining to this.
Past medical History: negative
Past Surgical History: negative
Social: denies alcohol/drug use, but patient found near a bar, playing on a wall, and falling off.
General: Extremely morbidly obese man lacking several key components of his body. Obvious shattered parts brought in by EMS.
Unfortunately, despite the effort of the men and possibly equine assistance, this person had obvious signs of death and despite our best efforts, he was pronounced scrambled dead shortly after arrival.
…A friend of mine thought it would be funny if I put a Nursery Rhyme into dictation form.