Only Brandt Brand Cigarettes Target Your Q-zone 1

Thank you for reading, allow me to drink some mental ipecac and splatter your minds with my frothy chunky brilliance.  Time to rant.

Puke on Brain

The child was born 12 weeks premature, and now was the ripe old age of 3 month, thus, it sort of was the child’s birthday.  Now, for those of you who don’t know, when kids are born THAT early, multiple problems arise, ranging from mental disorders, to non-functioning organs. One of the organs that usually lacks development is the lungs.

At 27-28 weeks, your lungs are like 90 year-old sumo wrestlers trying to ballet dance.  They try hard to do it right, but they just are not quite limber enough for the job.

So super-mom comes in with her son Wheezebert since her pediatrician said “go to the ER.”  I am happy with her for doing so; she is able to follow instructions.  Sorta.  Not really.  Per mom baby is “perfectly fine.”  He does have abnormal breathing sounds.  So we get a chest Xray and the kid has early pneumonia. I inquire to mom if she’s extra sure to get rid of any air-born pollutants at home, you know, mold, pet dander, dust, keep the house clean, ect. She assures me that she has done all of this.  A glimmer of hope forms until she asks me if I can get a nurse to come watch her kid so she can go out and smoke.

I wipe the single tear away and take a deep breath.  Then, since I have this sweet Chuck Norris beard I roundhouse kick her in the face so hard and accurately that it dislodges her faulty common sense.  Ok, that is not true, but I am sporting a sweet chuck Norris beard (see bottom).

Normally, I have great rapport with my patients; I joke around a bit and leave them all in smiles.  However, occasionally some need a heartfelt and loving kick in the ass.  So I yell at this lady for smoking.  She, of course, is pretty indignant since she mostly is smokes outside.  I tell her smoke stays on her clothes, and when you hold a baby, their face is pretty much directly in the smoke.  But I am a terrible doctor because I am judging her.  Ah well, my happy patient scores take another hit.

I know I’m not the only one who from time to time wants to wring certain parents by their collective necks.  I had a mom feeding a 4 month old cheetos.  Her response, “Oh, well, she likes them!”

When your 5 year old only eats ramen noodles, and nothing else, it is your job as a parent to correct the idiocy of your child.  Or, 13 years later, you  child will have the health of  an 80 year old (Link to the kind of old story here).  Ok, this has nothing to do with smoking, but a little with bad parenting, so close enough.

To be honest, I have had better luck telling patients if they stop smoking their pack a day they will save ~$2,000 dollars.  If it kills you, meh, but 2000 dollars, that’s a lot of money, I mean, just think of all the beer you can drink with that. Waaaaait a minute.

But are there things worse for you than smoking?  Of course, I found this on the internet, so it must be true:


I also did have a new record.  To try to gauge how bad someone’s lungs are from smoking, the term “pack-year” was introduced.  This is the amount of years you have been smoking times the number of packs-per-day.  Thus, if you smoke 1 pack for 50 years, you have a 50 pack year history.  I had a guy who had a 200 pack year history of smoking.  60 years old, started when he was 20 and he smoked 5 packs a day.  That’s some Olympic level smoking there.  He was there for a sore toe.  Hah!  Just kidding, he was at the ER for shortness of breath of course.

Alright, here’s my beard.  Feel the love.  Don’t forget to click like below!


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