He was bleeding, a terrifying experience for anyone, especially when it comes from your butt. It was very minor bleeding, but bleeding nonetheless. His neighbor was a very large man who happened to be drunk, dumb, and deranged, an irritating experience for any ER doc. Fate crossed their paths, and the rest just makes for an interesting story.
The story starts with an anxious, middle aged, somewhat small man, who called his physician. His doctor told him to come straight to the ER and get evaluated. I evaluated him. He was scared and frustrated with the situation, not knowing what was happening but sure that blood coming out of the anus was in the “bad thing” category. I explained that we would run some tests and figure out what was going on. At baseline this patient was a very anxious, somewhat timid person. Add blood spewing from an orifice and this poor guy became a neurotic mess.
Unfortunately for my nervous patient, this all occurred on a Friday night in the ER. Thus, many other patients arrived after drinking themselves stupid with alcohol. Our small, kind, young man was taken off to get an X-ray. This is where the nuttiness starts.
A random drunk (RD) in the room next door starts yelling to nice nurse (NN)
RD: “I’z gozza go fu za baaaaasssroom!”
NN: “That’s why I brought the urinal in there for you sir”
NN: “The urinal. Right there. The thing your hand is resting on… yes, that. Sir, the thing you are now holding in the air, please urinate into that.”
RD: “But I hazzur ter go piss.” (he said, waving the urinal in emphasize)
NN: “I understand, sir. Please go into that container you are currently holding.”
So she goes off to take care of one of her many other patients. I also leave into another patient’s room. Random Drunk, confused by the cryptic message from the nurse, assumes that she wanted him to wander the halls in search of a bathroom. Now I’m only guessing from here what went on in his drunken stupor, but I’m pretty sure it went something like this…
***Entering the alcoholics mind and thoughts via Drunk-o-vision***
…he staggers across the hall into the bathroom…
Random Drunk: “Ah, verily have I found the location to relieve my ever-so-full bladder. Henceforth, I shall commence micturation.” …sound of peeing on the floor, with perhaps some urine actually making it into the toilet, or maybe the sink… “Chastise me? How dare they, why I have not had more than a mere pint of the finest spirits and my insight is hardly altered. Now I must return to the room from whence I came.” …the intimidating quest of finding his room has begun… “Egads! My hospital residence has disappeared! What witchcraft and tomfoolery is this! Well, my room must be nearby. Aha! Here hides the one from whence I came.
And they thought for a moment that I was too impaired for such a minor task, what silly healthcare professionals they are!” …He staggers into the room of the man with the bloody stool… “Why, what is this! Some fine upstanding citizen has left new clothing for me, or perhaps these clothes are mine. Drunk starts putting on the (significantly smaller (and bloodier)) clothes. ***Drunk-o-vision off***
So this is the exact time when the first patient came back from radiology. We hear “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!” We quickly go to the room and find him struggling with the smaller, bloody clothes. He’s confused that we are yelling at him. The first patient is confused why a drunk guy is trying on his clothes. So we apologize profusely to the young man, who, as it turns out is doing fine. So he is actually now quite happy and pleasant. We offer to dry clean his clothes or buy him new clothes but he pretty much infers that he’d be happy if we just burned them after he saw the large drunk man in his soiled clothes. Time passed, everyone did fine, and I had just another day in the ER.
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In other news, I finished re-re-re-re-re-re editing my novel. Then I got it professionally edited. Then I had to re-edit it again. But now that’s done… stay tuned for more updates :).
Here’s an awesome video about picking a doctor