Lesson 1: Lying Sucks.
You’ve heard 14,485 stories about being lied to in the ER. Here’s another one, but with more cartoon references.
People often wonder what it is like getting tricked in the ER. Let me explain utilizing Inspector Gadget (it’s a cartoon, click here) references.
Chief Quimby (drug-seeker) gives Inspector Gadget (me) a dangerous job to locate “something important” as fast as possible. Thus Gadget scampers away, fighting killer robots, free-climbing a 10,000 foot rock-face, and escaping a heard of wild, Gadget-eating crocodiles on his mission. After heroic efforts he brings the recovered object to Quimby who opens the container… which actually had one of Quimby’s favorite cigars inside. Then they play the “wah-wah WAAAAAH….” music and Brain and Penny just laugh, a great chuckle for all.
Gadget just worked his tail off just so you could get your freaking cigar? Wowsers. So how is this like the ER? When I’m in the ER, my mission is to find out what is wrong with you and treat you the best I possibly can. I always assume the patient is truly sick and needs help.
Thus, I work really hard on what I thought was an important mission (a hypothetically sick patient), only to find out they were tricking you just for drugs (never had any disease in the first place)
Fortunately most patients are legit, and it doesn’t really happen as often as you might think, but when it does, ooh man is it aggravating.
Lesson 2: Mouthwash and Hand sanitizer isn’t supposed to be ingested..
I had a guy come in who was hammered, you know, forgetting how to breathe hammered. As it turns out, he drank several big bottles of generic brand mouthwash to get drunk. His breath was so powerfully minty; I got fresh-breath just by walking in his room (and making out with him). Did he get very sick? Sure, but it was minty sick!
Don’t do it with hand sanitizer. Yes. It works. It is 70% alcohol. But that extra 30% inside can make you geyser puke more triumphantly than Old Faithful.
Lesson 3: The Wall always wins.
I have to be hyper-vigilent about HIPAA, but this happens so frequently the multiple cases have all become a blur.
DON’T. PUNCH. WALLS.
It is that simple. Over and over some dumb guy punches a wall and breaks his hand. Maybe some guys punch walls and I never see them because they beat up the wall. I’m not sure. All I know is that my current win loss rate according to my patients is
Wall-84 vs Hand-0.
Instead of punching a wall. Punch a Narwhal.
You can pray it never happens to you.
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