I love the other docs I work with in the ER, but I think one of my partners must use some magical concoctions that attracts only the most insane and bizarre people right before my shift. I’ll call this substance crazy bait.
I don’t know what is in crazy bait, but I’m guessing one part unmedicated schizophrenia, one part full moon, and several gallons of alcohol. After that, perhaps a dash of non-compliance and a generous lump of stupidity and there you have it… crazy bait, left out to bring special people in just for me.
This bait works.
It works well.
– “No, I haven’t taken my medication for a month, why do you ask?”
“Examples! We want examples!” I can hear you say through your foamy-mouthed cheezy-fingered caffeine-induced frenzy. Not a problem.
1. Love: A guy gets in an argument with his wife. They fight for a while, and like any good married couple, they decide to go after each other with mini-kitchen knives. Seriously. She manages to stab him in his side enough so that he is profusely bleeding.
Then they have dinner (because reservation for dinner are reservations for dinner).
He’s still bleeding.
Then, while driving his wife to her friends house, they get in another argument. She gets angry about argument #2 and pulls the keys out of the car (he’s driving) and runs away. He’s now stranded, bleeding at a stoplight in a car without keys. Thus, our genius comes to the ER by ambulance. Or, as I believe, attracted by the crazy bait
2. Critters: Cute 6 year old boy sees a tragedy. A cat caught a small opossum and was chewing on the creatures face and back for a little while. He heroically rescues the dying creature from the cat and tries to help the injured animal. Spoiler alert, he gets bit. So now what is the logical next step? Come to the ER to get checked out… and bring the nearly dead pissed off animal with you of course! Child=fine. Creature=not going to make it. Parent = attracted by crazy bait to bring in the leftover opossum to the ER. Now what do you do? Unfortunately for me, it wouldn’t fit into the sharps container.
3. Wizard: 40 year old guy (though he looks about 80) comes in brought in by “friend.” Apparently his friend could not wake him up for two hours so he brought him to the ER. I find this shocking since we can’t get this guy to shut up. He is screaming at the top of his lungs that he’s a math wizard and everyone’s an idiot but him. Did I mention he drinks seven or eight 40oz beers a day. A DAY. Let me help you with the quick math… one gallon is 128 oz. he drinks 280-320 oz of beer a day. That’s at least two gallons of beer a day. Then he started screaming WHAT’S THE SQUARE ROOT OF 37! YOU DON’T KNOW! I admitted I didn’t know. Then he wanted to fight everyone and stood up to attack (all triggered by crazy bait perhaps?). That was the part of the show where he got put in restraints and was given happy juice to prevent him from attacking everyone in the ER. If only I would have known it was 6.08276
4. Crazy Bad-ass biker: This guy covered with skull tattoos and leather just happened to be wearing pink lacy underwear. No explanation needed.
5. Overly Relaxed: A normal (seeming) lady who had just come from the bathroom saying she couldn’t go. So, about 3 minutes later said she feels more relaxed. Thus she decided to just pee all over the bed and herself. Is that weird? I think that’s weird. Also weird is not mentioning the fact that she just pissed all over herself for about an hour then acting like it’s no big deal (the power of crazy bait).
Normal people don’t do things like this, right?
So I’m not sure which of my partners is leaving out the crazy bait (T.W., I’m looking at you) before my shifts, but it seems to be working. I suppose honorable mention could go to the guy who took an ax to the face, but actually that guy was really nice.
I love my job.