I’m great with kids. This is because our maturity level is so similar. I have (and I’m trying to be humble here) a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of cartoons. I know, I should try to keep things like that that under wraps, but it just comes out. I can sing the theme songs to (and I’m just rattling off the top here): Gummy Bears, Underdog, DuckTales, Talespin, Smurfs, GI Joe, Thundercats, Loony Toons, Ren & Stimpy, Simpsons, Pokemon, My Little Pony, Jetsons, Jabberjaw, Jem, Spongebob, Family Guy, Beetlejuice, Teen Titans, Popeye, Batman, and several more.
If medical school was animated and had lots of explosions, I’d never had studied. I can just see the dancing Phenyl-alanine now. So why not a career in Pediatrics?
Here’s the dirty little secret. Parents are insane.
I know what you’re thinking, kids are morons, not parents. They need guidance to help them since they would rather stick cheerios up their noses and put forks in the electrical socket than eat a healthy breakfast. True.
In one of his many fantastic insightful bits, Bill Cosby goes to great lengths to explain how all children have brain damage. Every. Single. Child. Now while this is true, children emit their powerful rays of idiocy and spread the stupidity to their parents.
If you slow an infant’s cry by 600% and play it backwards, you will find subliminal messages of “be dumb, be dumb” which cause idiocy to grow. Why do I say this you ask? Well, my stupid friend let me tell you.
I took notes during my Pediatric rotation many moons ago. They made me take “home-call.” That meant I had to stay home and filter phone-calls from parents. Some called in with semi-rational complaints such as “my kid has been vomiting, what should I do?”
Unfortunately, many parents that received high levels of idiocy rays from their children. The idiot-beams melted all common-sense turning a once sharp parental mind into tapioca pudding.
A few calls I wrote down long ago from my rotation…
Parent struck by idiot beam: “My kid accidentally put a non-toxic marker in his mouth.”
Me: Oh. Hmmm. Well, that sounds pretty serious, thank goodness you called at 3am, over 7 hours since the child did this and now she is sleeping but you woke up in a panic so you called me. I have heard most non-toxic markers are very toxic.
Beamed Parent : “My kid had red cheeks earlier.”
Me: And now they are not red? Well ma’am, this is most likely from your child eating military hand grenades. I know, it is surprisingly common nowadays. But for now, I would advise you stay away from your sleeping child for the next six hours just to be safe. One touch and he could explode.
Parent: “My child woke up laughing.”
Me: What happened?
Parent: She woke up at 3:30 am laughing. LAUGHING! We’re not sure, maybe it was the circus we went to earlier in the day. He laughed for a good 30 seconds and now all he wants to do is go to sleep.
Me: I see. This is a classic case of chortle-osis. The only option is to let it run its course and feed him nothing but cotton candy and espresso for the next three days.
My parents you ask? I am actually the fourth of four children, so after being assaulted by so many beams from my previous three siblings, my parents were immune to my rays. This created a problem for me, and I never was able to shoot out my powerful idiocy rays.
I had to repress my idiot rays and internalized them. To this day I have many child-like attributes that I never grew out of… cartoons, balloon-animals, magic, being a giant dork for no reason… etc. My daughter currently watches the new My Little Pony and I happily watch it along with her. Part of me wishes I was making this up. This is probably the reason I get along with kids so well. Our idiocy rays just bounce off one another harmlessly as we sit and watch cartoon together.
So next time you have a brain fart around your kid, or mention everyone in the family’s name (including your spouse) before you finally end up with the correct child’s name, don’t blame yourself. It is their fault, they melted your brain in the first place.
If you have never seen this, just watch it right now, you’re welcome.