ER Quotes #4

A fresh batch of insane quotes heard, overheard, or uttered under the breath in the ER.


PA:  And it was a good night, because at the end, everyone was alive, you know, except for the dead guy.





Me:  These are your legs, this is your vagina (I was drawing on a whiteboard).




Patient:  They took away my Miracle marijuana  card.




Plastics Resident:  The goal of plastic surgery is to never have to save a life.




Patient:  My medicine for my diabetes, it’s not working.

Doc: What are you taking?

Patient:  Beer.

Doc:  I may have figured out your problem.




Doc:  As a renal failure patient, do you make urine?

Pt:  Yeah.

Doc:  About how much?

Pt: (holds up three fingers) about this much.

Doc:  What?



Doc:  Any history of surgeries ever?

Patient:  No, none at all, just when I was a kid.







Patient:  I think the problem comes from me being claustrophobic and I remember being scared as a fetus of the birth canal.

Me:  Ah, that’s where your problem comes from.




Pharmacist:  No!  No antibiotics.  She’s going to get old crazy person C. diff.  Do you want that diarrhea on your hands?!

Doc:  Um, no?




Nurse:  Man, I’m DONE with this day.  I had to go into that room and try for 10 minutes to find his penis.  Can you discharge him so I don’t have to go find it again?




Nurse:  You know it’s a bad night in the ER when your best behaved patient lit herself on fire.




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