All Babies Are Drunk


Currently, every single nurse in the ER is pregnant.  Perhaps I should let you know that I actually wrote this entry several (SEVERAL) months ago.  You’d think that would make that first sentence untrue.  It does not.

Every single nurse.

Ok, I’m exaggerating.  Three nurses just gave birth in the last two weeks, so they are quite unlikely to be pregnant.

First a word on love.  And by love I mean BOW-wicka-wah-wow.  In the third trimester women usually aren’t overly eager to have nuptutastics with their significant other.   Men, on the other hand are usually quite excited to restart happy-time with the wife as soon as possible after the delivery (a gentleman waits until after the placenta is delivered).

The time has finally come for me to bestow wisdom about children.

For those of you not yet in the secret society, let me be your guide.

We (parents) all started out as ignorant imbeciles lacking any realistic insight.   What I thought would happen is that I would take my infant child to the coffee shop while I quietly sipped my double peppermint mocha with extra estrogen and wrote my novel.  I mean, how much trouble could a baby be?  Oh Rob of years ago, you were adorable you stupid chump.

Truth time…  A newborn baby is an adorably cute form of torture. Every night you wake up at random intervals repeatedly to perform trivial tasks. Sometimes, he/she/it cries for no reason at all. Sometimes you get to sleep 2 hours, sometimes 18 minutes. There is no way to tell. If you don’t get up the punishment will be swift and severe, and very loud. Not only that, but it’s only going to prolong your agony and increase the time that you must stay awake and miserable.  Do you remember how you liked to do… anything?  Well, sorry that’s gone until the kid is in school.

Want to have a kid yet?

On the plus side, the kid grows out of this stage, and I am quite pleased to announce that my child has actually slept for four hours straight without waking us up.  My child just turned 18.  This may not sound like much to you without children, but those of you with children are nodding your heads to my weary triumph.

Also on the plus side, when your little peanut smiles at you, it makes it all worth it.

Back to the point at hand. I was trying to figure out what a baby is like, I am somewhat surprised it took me this long, I finally realized that all babies are drunk.  Perhaps breast milk/formula gets fermented in their stomaches, I don’t know.  Let’s take a look at the facts.

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WHY BABIES ARE DRUNK.

1. Both babies and drunks will puke anywhere, including on you. Both of them will smile and neither will apologize.

2. Babies are needy. They are certain, without a single doubt, that they are the most important creature that has ever been put on the earth. They know what they want (baby = milk! Drunk = Booze/sammich!) and they want it now!

3. They will pee at any given time, even if they have just peed 3 minutes ago. Also, they have no problem peeing on the floor, even if you leave a perfectly good container right next to them.

4. They speak the exact same language. Truth be told drunks are much more long-winded, but it is the same language.

Me: Good morning cutie!

Them: blblblaah! Ah-gah! Ble-ble-ble.

…And don’t get me started about the babies.

5. They poop everywhere, which may shock and disgust you, but you still have to deal with it.

6. All you want to do is keep them quiet, and you will do just about anything to make it happen.  There is no volume control.  Period.

7. They are incredibly unstable on their feet, while at the same time seem to seek out dangerous places to hurt themselves.

8. Screams at maximum volume despite social situation.

9. If either gets even a slight bump on the head, you get worried that they might have an intracranial bleed.

10. They will both cry. For no reason.

Though, to my baby’s credit, the smell is much better than any of the drunks I have taken care of. Even during a dirty diaper change. Warning, this changes when you start adding solid food. I recommend breast milk until your child is potty trained.

Perhaps Dana Carvey said it best (give this a watch, it’s worth your time)

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