The Taste of Insanity 2


My brain tries to sabotage me.

I had an absolutely delightful family in with their elderly grandfather who had a large laceration on his scalp.  This gaping flap on his head started three inches behind his left temple, came to his forehead, and then went back past his right temple.  It was a mass of loose, floppy scalp skin that I had to suture back into place.  So what image comes to my mind while suturing through this mangled tangle of bloody hair and floppy skin?

Well, the Great Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, of course.

You see, for some reason the laceration reminded me of the Great Trash Heaps mouth.

Just look at that mouth (below).

trashheap

Now, this is not something you can tell to the elderly grandfather nor the 18 year old grand-daughter, because neither will have a clue what your are talking about.  All I could do was quietly chuckle in my mind as I rinsed out this large, floppy, flap laceration with water.  I kept thinking that at any time the flap might give sage advice to some poor confused Fraggle.

Have you ever had that?  You have a perfect analogy and then no one knows what you are talking about.  This happens to be with great regularity.  One of my favorite movies of all times is The Princess Bride.  This movie has so many perfect quotes that I should do a whole blog dedicated to it.  Quotes pepper my mind whenever a resident presents a case to me.

Resident: I have a 42 year old female who weighs 358 pounds with back and knee pain,

Me:  INCONCEIVABLE!

Resident:  The patient is eating nachos and sipping on Coke, but he states he is in 12/10 pain

Me: Life is pain, your Highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Unfortunately, about .3% of the residents have seen the movie.

Still, other times I just have random images pop into my brain, completely unasked.

I had a girl who had a history of poor impulse control.  Her parents kept all the medications in the house locked up.  Her parents were about to give her something for a headache at which time she grabbed the container and started chowing down on them.  First thing to pop in my head… Cookie Monster.  Nom nom nom nom with pill fragments flying everywhere.

cookie monster gif

Granted she binged on ibuprofen, which is difficult to overdose, but still, show a hint of restraint.  Just because two pills works better than one pill, does NOT mean that 238 pills works EVEN better.  NOM nom nom nom nom.

I try to keep the filter on as much as possible, which is good.  I had a heavily tattooed patient (specifically with a tattoo above each eyebrow which read F*#K YOU) who specifically said he was going to kill himself if we discharged him. Thus, I decided to admit him to a psychiatric hospital. He became angry at me since he could not “start” to look for jobs (which I interpreted as spend yet another day smoking a Costo sized duffle bag of pot). I actually had to let myself out of the room before I laughed.  Perhaps I’m overly judgmental, but when you have a face tattoo that says “F*#k You” right above your eyebrows, they are much less likely to hire you at Starbucks.  

I know lots of people with tattoos, but my personal opinion is that a face tattoo is your announcement to the world that you need help making decisions.  Seriously, click HERE for google images of people with face tattoos and tell me that you see one of them who you’d trust as a babysitter (or a barista (or to wipe themselves properly)).

But, that’s just how my non sequitur brain works.  Most of the time, the crazy observations just stay inside, repressed and quietly amusing only myself. Granted, if someone I know gets a face tattoo, I’ll fight them on it, maybe not to the death, but possibly to the Pain…

 


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