So a fine upstanding young citizen enters the ER wide-eyed and bonkers off his rocker on crack.
This is not unusual.
On any given day many of my patients are either drunk, high, psychotic, or covered in their own feces. Many are all four. However, what made this unique was the adamant denial that he used any drugs at all. Patients often pretend they are not drunk or high. However, this fine man lacked any acting skills. In the ER we don’t care all that much about what you do at home unless it starts making our lives difficult, then we care a whole lot.
As it turned out, he also had a crack pipe on him. And more crack. It was all in his pants which he refused to wear.
He, of course, explained it was not his.
Cracky: “Yeah, some came and put all that stuff in my pockets,” he said straight-faced as if this were the most logical explanation in the world.
Nurse: “Uh huh…” said the nurse, while using her saint-like patience not to throttle the patient.
Me: “So, if you are not on crack, can you explain why you were using a sock filled with pine cones to attack a parking meter?”
Cracky: “They were talkin’ Sh*%”
Me: “Of course. And you were in your underwear because?”
Cracky: “Oh. Yeah. I think he stole my pants too.”
Me: “You had your pants, you just refused to put them on. That’s where we found the crack from the guy who forced you to take his crack pipe and crack that you didn’t smoke”
So it turned out that our hero actually was on probation and didn’t want to be caught using illicit substances. However, I’m sure any judge would wave such grievances since all of these drugs were forced on him by some random stranger. I don’t know tons of people who use crack, but most that I know love to give away their drugs to people for no reason.
Don’t you hate it when that happens? Just walking down the street and some random guy forces you to do crack.
Seriously, it ruins all my plans. I was going to go to Costco today, but now I have to get high and scream obscenities at squirrels for three hours.
“Get off my lawn you puffy tailed rat! And take that purple rickshaw with you!”