ER Jingle Bells (As seen In the Dec 2013 ACEP News)
Driving down the road, when something from the sky,
Drifts down onto your car, and you just don’t know why,
The fluffy cold white snow, it scatters on the street,
And now you drive to stay alive ‘cause it’s an icy sheet,
Oh, Slushy road, the car gets towed; air bags are quite nice,
Every year, it’s still unclear, why none think of black ice,
Bump and smash, the cars go crash, sliding left and right,
Oh what fun it is to run into ER’s at night.
The glistening pearly flakes, a symphony of light,
The tranquil frozen lakes, are beautiful at night,
But when you start to walk, and you are ninety-four,
Just watch that first step Myrtle when you walk outside your door.
Oh, slip and fall, both short and tall, ain’t gravity a jerk?
Because we know that in the snow, your balance doesn’t work.
Grab a chair, or nephew’s hair, just hold on do not slip,
‘Cause if you don’t (we know you won’t) then time for a new hip.
Drifting down the street, with a belly full of beer,
Blizzards coming in, forgetting how to steer?
Snow obscures the view, but you ignore slow-downs,
The first snow every year turns many drivers into clowns,
Oh, Slushy roads, the car gets towed; they come from near and far,
The skills decline and then I’ll whine “it’s not a bumper car!”
Bump and smash the cars go crash, why don’t they drive slow,
Drive and text, and you’ll be next, when driving in the snow.
Sneezing out green slime, and coughing phlegm of grey,
That person in the plane, had Influenza A?
You go to pharmacies, or some convenience store,
And say “good sir my face, back, ass, and arms are really sore,”
Oh, flu and cold, is that black mold? I think I dropped a lung
I cough and bark all colors dark and I just bit my tongue,
I puke and spew, it looks like glue, and everything’s a spin,
Just stay inside, enjoy the ride, until Zofran kicks in.
Sprinting through the halls, my bladder’s full of pee,
Into the trauma bay, start O2 and IV,
The blood we cross and match, to keep his heart in line,
Why does it seem that snowfall makes IQ’s drop down to nine?
Oh, slushy road, the car gets towed, traffic jams galore,
You slip and fall, outside the mall, its Christmas go buy more!
It might get old, when in the cold, the ice it starts to sting,
But don’t despair, breath in the air, just four months until spring!
http://www.acepnews.com/fileadmin/content_images/acep/issue_pdfs/2013_Issues/ACEP_Dec_2013_LoRes.pdf (click then scroll to page 12, you know, the page where the cool kids hang out)