Bad Superpowers

As a kid, I always wished I had superpowers.

Then I turned into an adult. Now I REALLY wish I had superpowers.

However, I learned that some gifts are also a curse.

Take for instance some of the X-men.

Nightcrawler for example has in my opinion one of the coolest abilities.


He has the ability to teleport.  He can disappear and reappear anywhere.  However, the bad side is he looks like a demonic smurf.  I’d imagine even with teleportation it’s hard for him to go to Starbucks without getting scalding coffee thrown in his face.

Seriously, if some blue guy with a tailed poofed in out of nowhere and said “I’ll have a venti mochiato frozochiato half-caf no-whip!” what would you do?

I’d think he’s summoning the undead rather than ordering a beverage.

The reason I say this, is that I have an unfortunate superpower.

Whenever I go into any ER, people like to randomly get naked in front of me.

“But Brandt,” I hear you saying despite the fact that your reading, “that sounds awesome!”

Yeah…. No. Not so much.

How to put it best. You see, I learned firsthand (and from Seinfeld) there is good naked, and there is bad naked.

Pretty much 99.999% of the people in the ER are of the “bad naked” variety. People come to the ER after vomiting all over themselves.  People come covered in every bodily fluid.

The athletic, in-shape, attractive young person never needs to come to the ER. If they do, they are not insane and randomly shedding their clothes. Sorry, if you’re looking for something beautiful go watch a sunset, because when you see where the sun doesn’t shine in the ER you’re going to get nauseated.

So, hypothetically (or, in my case, not at all hypothetically), if some 411 pound man forgets to take his psychiatric medications for two weeks since he thinks he “just doesn’t need them anymore” and then he starts frolicking around the ER with only his protuberant belly to hide his tender bits… who will be seeing him?  That’s right, this guy right here.

I have zero desire for this.  Everything was all flapping and floppy and flobbity.

No one desires this.

Nobody likes flobbity.

Unfortunately, that’s my superpower.

Or my curse.

I must see them.

It’s my job.

My responsibility.

As Stan Lee says:

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Flobbity Bastard.



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