And Then I Peed Fire


I pride myself on never having to go to the ER… as a patient.

I have been to the ER as a patient for the following reasons:

1. Two broken bones in my arm

2. Viral Meningitis

3. Midnight laceration to my foot

4. Broken thumb

 

Not bad.  I have never needed surgery.  The worst pain I’ve ever had was the meningitis (two enthusiastic thumbs down).  So, when I started having some frequency with urination, I thought to myself, in the most profound manner possible…

“Huh, that’s odd.”

Like any typical guy, I did what came naturally.  I ignored it.

But, as I continued to feel like I had to pee every 17 seconds I realized something was amiss.  I figured I either had a urinary tract infection, or I was pregnant.

Thus, I went to the Urgent Care and saw a doctor.  It turned out to be a friend of mine.  The good news was that I did not have an infection.  The bad news was I had blood in my urine.  Having too much knowledge can be a bad thing.

Brain: “Well, you don’t have flank pain or abdominal pain at all, and your urine WBC is 0, thus, logically you have bladder or kidney cancer.”

Stupid jerk brain.  So I got a CT a week later and found out I had a kidney stone.  Normally having a kidney stone is not a relief to anyone, but I had already started getting nervous, so I felt much better.  And it did not even hurt!  I figured all those people in agony from their stones that I see in the ER must have been giant wussies.

I. Was.  An.  Idiot.

kidnehy stone

I made an appointment with a urologist in a week.

One week later, I woke up to go to my ER shift, and planned on going to the urologist after my shift.  However, sometime between driving to work and the first hour of work, something snuck into my body and deposited rusty barbed wired that extended from my left kidney to my bladder.

It was bad.  Then it was extremely bad.  Then searing white hot lava from 10,000 volcanoes poured from my left side.

Fortunately my ER group is awesome and made me all better.

Then I went to my urologists appointment and schedule lithotripsy.  I had a bit more pain, but nothing as severe.

Then I had my lithotripsy.

In this procedure, the surgeon goes into your bladder, then up the ureter, and (in my case) deploys a basket to retrieve the stone.  By the way, my urologist = awesome saint/genius (Thank you!).

After the stone is removed, things get fuzzy.  I’m not 100% sure about this, but I think after the stone is gone, they then insert 2 pounds of jagged glass and fill up the bladder with gasoline.  At least, this is what it felt like whenever I urinated after the procedure.

So the following two days I urinated what felt like fire and cherry juice.

And now I’m all better.

I think I should go back and tip my urologist.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *